I was diagnosed with high blood pressure last summer, when I was 32 years old. From the get-go, she asked me if I planned on having kids any time soon. Even then, I told her I was about 95% sure that I wasn't. At first, I was a little confused about why she asked me that, but when she began to explain her train of thought for courses of treatment, it started to make a little sense. Long story short, I've had some adjustments in my medication, and now, almost a year later, we still don't have it quite right.
I had another follow-up today, and it was an eye-opening, and slightly emotional experience. Phil was with me, which I thought was nice because he got to see the process and talk with my doctor with me. Despite my recent lifestyle changes and significantly increased activity level, my BP is still not controlled. It was 135/90 today, which is not extraordinarily high, but high enough to be detrimental if not brought down over the long term. I listed the side effects I was experiencing, and my doctor was not thrilled, because I haven't had the greatest few months, to be honest.
As she contemplated her next treatment move, she looked me square in the eyes and said, "Kids. Do you want to have kids any time soon?" It was a pivotal moment for me because I knew that this was a determining factor in my treatment plan. It was almost cathartic, because for a brief second, it crossed my mind that I now have a valid, justifiable reason to tell people when they ask me why I don't have kids. What a relief. Now, I don't have to try and explain myself because my reason before was "just because I don't want to."
But, on the other hand, her question stopped me in my tracks, because I realized the permanence of my situation. She explained that she wants to change my medication from a beta-blocker to an ace-inhibitor, which is absolutely, 100% not okay to take if I become pregnant. She called it a "Category X" drug, which essentially means that it will kill a fetus. In the event that it doesn't, it could implement serious birth defects of the heart, kidneys, liver...and the baby could be carried full-term and be stillborn, or die shortly after birth. I mean, this is serious stuff. So serious that she also told me she would pair it with a birth control pill to ensure that pregnancy does not occur.
I absolutely do not want to risk any of that. What kind of person would I be to knowingly conceive and carry this human being inside of me, knowing that it will be damaged, and eventually die anyway? I've been through one miscarriage, so I certainly don't want to go through another.
A few months ago, I watched a documentary on Netflix called After Tiller. It followed these late-term abortion doctors and the women for whom they performed their services. The women who sought out these doctors were in late-term pregnancies with babies who had confirmed chronic or terminal illnesses or severe deformities or birth defects. It was a very compelling and heart-wrenching film, because it captured the utter anguish both the doctors and patients felt before, during, and after the procedures were done. I really felt compassion for those women, because I understood why they chose what they did. It would not be fair to the parents or that baby to bring that baby in to this cruel, cruel world and watch them suffer each and every day. Neither the parents nor the child would have any sort of quality of life, because their lives would be full of hospitals and medications and money and tubes and wheelchairs and fighting the system.....who wants that?
I have the utmost respect for anyone who works with or has special needs children, so please, understand that this is not ill-intentioned.
I have decided that I have too much life to live, and becoming pregnant with an illness like high blood pressure could be dangerous to me, as well. I have heard story after story of women's BP getting too high or too low during labor, and me having the condition would just make me more vulnerable to complications. Call me selfish - that's fine, because that's exactly what I am. I want to live as fully as I can for as long as I can, in a healthy and happy way.
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